Automotive Humor

How To Change Your Oil

Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car.

Fight Against "Car Cloning"

On March 24, the FBI issued arrest warrants for 17 people in Tampa, Miami, Chicago, Mexico, and Canada against individuals accused of 'car cloning'--stealing the identity of legitimately owned vehicles and tranferring it to stolen cars to make them look legal. The FBI stated that the ring had been operating in the U.S. for over 20 years; had cloned over 1000s of vehicles which were moved and sold in 20 states and several countries; and had caused more than $25 million in losses to consumers and banks. Unfourtunately this ring is just one of many that law enforcement officials across the nation are trying to break, and until then if you are car shopping you should beware.

Following is a list of things that are being done by officials and car auctions/sellers to help protect vehicle consumers, and a list of things you could do if looking to buy a car:

• NMVTIS--an electronic system, established by federal law in 1992, that enables users to access automobile titling information, including brand(title) history and certain historical theft data. A "brand" is a descriptive label assigned to a vehicle by a state that identifies the vehicle's current or prior condition, such as "junk," "salvage," or "flood." By capturing into one system specific pieces of information from state motor vehicle titling agencies, automobile recyclers, junk and salvage yards, and insurance carriers, NMVTIS protects states and consumers from title fraud, keeps stolen vehicles from being retitled, and makes it more difficult for criminals to conceal stolen vehicles for criminal purposes. Currently 27 states participate in it, with 10 more working towards participation. To see a complete list of participating states go here: http://www.nmvtis.gov/NMVTIS_Map.pdf
• Many Online Car Auctions now decode their vehicles VIN when listing their vehicles and will only let registered appraisers into their storage facilities. The appraisers must sign in and out when they go to the facilities. Once vehicles are sold, the customers or transporters pick up the vehicle outside of the facilities.
• In addition, the Better Business Bureau and F.B. I. offer the following advice to car-buying consumers to avoid getting snared into buying a cloned vehicle, and determine if a vehicle is cloned:

1. Get a copy of the car’s vehicle history report.
2. Always check under the hood to ensure V.I.N. numbers match, and check for signs of tampering such as scratches.
3. If you are car shopping, beware of a car being sold for substantially less than comparable makes and models.
4. Look for incorrect spellings on paperwork, like vehicle titles.
5. If you think your car was cloned (for instance, you receive notice of unpaid parking tickets that aren't yours), contact your local police.
6. Trust your intuition—if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is!

--Melissa

The Difference between Clear Title and Clean Title

Frequently, when searching for information on salvage titled cars, you encounter the following questions (or a modified version of the questions):

1. Can I clear the title of my salvage car?
2. How can I get a Clean Title if my car was salvaged?

And I am sure that as often as you encounter these questions you notice that there seems to be an incongruency on the answers: some people answer yes and some people answer no to both of these questions, so what is the real answer? Why do the answers often disagree?

I believe that the problem is due to the misconception that clearing a title is the same as converting a title into a clean title. Following is an explanation of both terms:

***CLEAR TITLE: a clear title is issued once a salvage vehicle has been repaired and has passed the state's inspection. A clear title is the same color as a clean title from that state and gives driveability clearance to the owner of a previously salvaged car; in other words the owner is able to operate such vehicle in US streets once a salvage title is cleared. In addition, the clear title usually has a note stating that the vehicle has been rebuilt or reconstructed.
***CLEAN TITLE: a clean title is issued to a vehicle that has never been in a reported accident, or if in an accident has not been deemed a total loss by the insurance company involved in the claim. Notice that a clean title does not guarantee that the car has never been involved in an accident or if it has that the damages are not extensive.

So now as to answer the questions often asked:
1. Yes, a salvage title can be cleared in all states, in fact you must first clear the salvage title before you can operate a vehicle in any state of the U.S.
2. No, you can not obtain a clean title from a salvage title in any state of the U.S.. Once a car is deemed as salvage, it shall never be able to appear as a clean title again in any state. The few exceptions would be when the state personnel processing the title makes a mistake, but even then the history of the vehicle will always show that it was salvaged before.

--
Melissa